The Answers To Everything
by Mrs Mark Evans
Summary: Harry's Seventh year. Humour. It's funny, so laugh. Horcrux hunt, snogs, it's got it all.
1. The Wedding WentWell

Contrary to popular belief, Harry Potter actually found this day on Privet Drive quite dull. He had been locked up in his room since a party he snuck off to at Hogwarts.

You see, there was a mess-up at the Ministry. Someone claimed to have found Voldemort dead because he choked on a chicken bone. It was actually just Wormtail in a cheap latex Voldemort suit. It served the Ministry right for trusting a one hundred and eighty-six year old man who lost his glasses! So then, there was this party to celebrate the death of the most evil wizard to ever walk the earth. They ran out of butterbeer and Dobby replaced it with muggle beer. He couldn't see the difference. Since none of the students had ever had beer before, the whole of Hogwarts got unbelievably drunk. Harry sent Hedwig off with a letter for Fawkes, completely oblivious to the fact that birds can't read…

Hedwig hadn't returned from her journey, and it had been nearly a week ago that he sent her off.

Harry was changing his mattress different colors out of boredom when he remembered that he had to go to Fleur and Bill's wedding. He had to get ready. Harry found his best dress robes and started getting ready to go. 

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Harry was about to leave when he noticed Hedwig flying towards the window. She looked exhausted, slightly singed, and there was a funny look in her eyes. Harry opened the window to let Hedwig in. She landed on the windowsill, and he placed her in her cage.

Apparently, she had found Fawkes. The letter was no longer on Hedwig's leg and Harry wondered if phoenixes really could read. It was such a shame that Harry had no clue what the letter said. The only reason Harry knew he sent it was because Colin had a picture.

He actually had a whole book of blackmail. i _Oh well /i ,_ Harry thought, i _I'll deal with Colin later. I have a wedding to go to /i ._ And with a loud crack, Harry was off to the Burrow.

Though Apparating was extremely unpleasant, Harry couldn't deny that he had style…er…that it was convenient. When Harry got to the Burrow, he ended up Apparating right between Ron and Hermione.

They had been kissing, and Harry felt extremely awkward with his two best friends licking his ears. Hermione noticed first and jumped back. Ron, never actually noticed, however.

After a minute or so, Harry screamed, "WOULD YOU STOP THAT!" He seemed to have given Ron a right good fright.

Ron kept saying he thought it was Hermione's hair in her face when asked why he hadn't noticed Harry's shaggy locks. Well, with Harry scarred for life, Hermione embarrassed, and Ron absolutely mortified, the three walked out into the backyard where the wedding was about to take place. They took their seats and waited for the start.

Harry's attention was back on the wedding. They only had to wait five minutes or so before Bill walked up to the aisle. A werewolf had attacked him last year and his face looked, as if the truck hit him as hard as it hit the deer earlier that day at the Dursley's. He had scars all over his face and there was hair growing out of them. He almost resembled a scarecrow with the stuffing coming out, that had also been hit by a truck.

"No signs of werewolfism yet and it's been two full moons," Ron whispered. Harry strongly disagreed.

And then Fleur came down the aisle with her father. Harry doubted that he had been attacked by anything, but his face closely resembled Bill's. Mr. Delacour was a very short fellow. He had a shortness that would rival even Umbridge's.

Fleur had on a beautiful dress that was long with tons of lace, but in Harry's opinion, it was way too poofy. Fleur's father could barely walk because every step he took, the bottom of Fleur's dress seemed to attack his legs, for lack of a better word. Fleur got to the altar and everyone was shocked when Fleur removed her veil and placed it on Bill. This was obviously not the tradition because everyone looked just as confused as Harry must have. The exceptions were Mr. & Mrs. Weasley, Ginny, Charlie, Fred, George, and Ron. Hermione looked confused, but Harry was pretty sure it was because Ron was licking her ear, and not because the whole veil thing perplexed her. Ron obviously liked licking Hermione's ear better than Harry's. Harry looked away.

Rufus Scrimgeour came out to perform the ceremony. It was dreadfully long. Finally he said "Fleur, do you take Bill to be your law--" Harry was suddenly excited to see the end of the ceremony and sat up straight in his chair. This was a mistake. As he did so, Scrimgeour noticed him. "Harry Potter!" Scrimgeour bellowed as he stepped between Fleur and Bill rudely and made his way towards Harry.

Mrs. Weasley looked almost as threatening as Fleur, and that was something to say because Fleur looked as if she was imagining the Minister being attacked by Fluffy while wearing nothing but his tighty whiteys.

"How have you been, Harry? Has anyone told you that your face looks so much like your father's, but…" Harry turned on the spot and disapparated.

Harry didn't want to be there when Molly and Fleur lost it. He was standing in the Weasleys' living room and received a great shock when he saw Ginny crying in the corner.

"Ginny? What's wrong?" Harry was pretty sure he knew the answer, for he felt the same way. How could everyone be so happy when a man as great as Dumbledore was now gone?

"I miss him so much," Ginny sobbed. Harry crossed the room and gave Ginny a hug.

"I miss Dumbledore too, Ginny," Harry said quietly, still hugging Ginny.

"Dumbledore! I'm talking about Arnold."

"Arnold?" Harry asked confusedly as he pulled away from Ginny. "Your Pygmy Puff?" he concluded.

Ginny had stopped crying a moment ago, but then let out an over-exaggerated sob. "I mean yes! Yes!" she exclaimed, pulling Harry back into a hug. "I miss Dumbledore."

Harry felt played, but all the same, he was enjoying the hug and didn't argue. They just hugged for a while when in came what seemed to be the whole wedding party headed by Fleur and Bill. Fleur was once again wearing her veil and Bill had removed his jacket to reveal a t-shirt underneath which read, 'She's Pretty Enough for the Both of Us'.

Harry and Ginny still hadn't moved and everyone was staring at them. Scrimgeour only handled half a stare because one eye was black and blue and swollen shut. Harry was sad he missed that. The staring only stopped when Hedwig flew into the room. She dropped a letter in Harry's lap.

i _Dear Harry Potter, __  
__Your bird is amazing! I found your letter quite insulting. "Dear Fawkes, can you read this?" How idiotic do you think I am? __  
__Fawkes_ /i

Harry blinked. i _Birds can write?_ /i

He didn't even know birds could read! It was weird, but not totally unbelievable. Hedwig gave a loud screech and flew over to Harry. A couple of her feathers fell out and just sat on the floor for a moment, but a minute later, they caught on fire and left nothing but a pile of ash. Out of each of the four piles of ashes rose a bird. 

"Are those phowls?" A random person in the crowd called out.

"Who was the letter from, Harry?" Someone else said.

But Harry didn't hear. He was looking at the birds. They looked like mini versions of Hedwig, except the tops of their heads and the tips of their wings and tails were red, yellow and orange like Fawkes. Harry looked at the back of the letter.

i _P.S.—Your bird is having my children /i ._

Harry was totally flabbergasted. What was he supposed to do with four baby phowls? He looked around the room, but when he looked back again, the phowls were no longer babies; they were already fully grown. Hedwig gave another screech, but this time much weaker, and all of her feathers fell to the floor.

The whole room gasped at once and it actually caused a breeze. They were all praying that the feathers wouldn't all turn into birds. They all caught fire and Harry completely lost hope. Mrs. Weasley actually started to cry. To everyone's relief, all Hedwig's feathers grew back.

Their attention turned back to the ashes. They started to stir and out of the ashes rose a single phoenix. As nicely as she could, Mrs. Weasley walked over to Harry and Ginny, who were still hugging, and gave a fake smile.

"Harry dear, would you kindly release my daughter and get your birds out of my house? Oh no, dear, don't worry about the ash, I'll take care of that," said Mrs. Weasley. When Harry let go of Ginny and bent down to clean the ash up she said, "Just get the birds out," and smiled as she conjured cages for the birds. Harry took them out back followed by Ginny, Ron and Hermione.

"Ron, I wonder if you have some wrapping paper. I'll give this to Bill and Fleur as a wedding gift," Harry said as he held up a phowl in a cage. Harry looked over at Ron, but he and Hermione were a bit "preoccupied" again.

Feeling stupid that he was talking to someone who wasn't listening, Harry turned to Ginny.

"You really miss Arnold, I mean, Dumbledore, don't you?"

"Yes," said Ginny, holding out her arms for another hug. Instead of hugging Ginny, Harry turned around and picked up one of the cages containing the phowl.

"Well," he said, wondering whether it was a boy or a girl. "Er…it's yours then," Harry finished, not feeling quite up to checking to find the bird's gender at the moment. Ginny's face lit up and before Harry knew it, Ginny was standing too close with her arms hanging loosely around his neck. She leaned in to kiss him and did just that.

All Ron and Hermione could do was watch. The two didn't kiss for very long, for in the background, Ron and Hermione were screaming, "My eyes! They burn! But I! Must! Not! Blink!" but they didn't blink for fear of losing the staring contest that they were having. It was very distracting when you're kissing the love of your life.

So Ginny and Harry walked over to a bench in the side yard and sat down next to it on the ground. Ginny ruffled Harry's hair and it felt funny. It was almost as if Ginny was stroking his SEX MONSTER that Harry had just recently realized he had. Harry leaned in to kiss Ginny and she turned her head so Harry missed her lips entirely. To cover it up, he started to whistle, Ginny giggled. "It's my brother's wedding. Let's let him and Fleur be remembered as the lovebirds. At least for today."


	2. Wrong On So Many Levels

Since there was, once again, a plan of not returning to Hogwarts, Harry had to go back to the Dursley's for the absolute last time to collect his things. Harry packed and just as he was about to leave, he heard Aunt Petunia shriek, "Vernon! A baby! Vernon! We're having a baby!"

She sounded so happy that it made Harry want to puke. As vividly horrific images filled Harry's head, he vanished just in time to miss Dudley's agonized scream. Another child would mean less pampering for him.

Still gagging at the thought of his aunt having a baby, Harry arrived in Ron's room and sat on the extra bed. A few minutes later, Hermione hurried in, practically inhaling a sandwich, and handed a ham and cheese to Harry.

"You can't defeat evil dark lords on an empty stomach…eat," Hermione managed to say though her mouth was full of food. And then, Hermione did inhale her sandwich and started choking. Harry stood up, moved behind her and started giving her the Heimlich maneuver. Just then, Ron walked in and saw Harry "humping" Hermione from the back. Hermione gasped and Ron was sickened. He grabbed Harry and punched him many times in the face.

"WHAT….THE BLOODY…HELL…DO YOU…THINK…YOU'RE DOING…TO MY GIRL!" Ron was so mad he could have killed Harry, and he probably would have if he was only a little bit stronger. Being hit repeatedly in the face could do that. Hermione was screaming at Ron to stop and crying hysterically.

"YOU CHEATING ON ME?" Ron barked at Hermione, sitting on top of Harry and ready to punch if he moved.

"Ronald, you pig! Get off of him!" shouted Hermione as she moved towards Ron and shoved him harshly off of Harry. "Oh my God, are you okay?"

Harry was so dizzy, you could never imagine. He was slightly confused because for once, his scar was the only part of his face that didn't hurt. Ron stood up and crossed the room.

"Hermione, I asked if you were cheating on me," Ron said quietly, yet loudly at the same time.

"He was saving my life," Hermione grumbled, helping Harry onto the bed.

Ron's face dropped into one of great sadness. "Is it that bad to be with me?"

Hermione looked at him in disgust. "No, you git! He was giving me the Heimlich maneuver!"

Ron now looked as if he wanted to punch Harry again. "So there's a fancy name for what he was doing to you then!" shouted Ron, apparently, he was still not comprehending the situation. Then he glanced towards the bed and saw the sandwich. "Oh God…….oh God……oh God….." Ron walked over to a corner and sat down. He hid his face in his hands.

Hermione glided over to him. "I could never hurt you like that. Now you need to talk to Harry…"

Ron was dreading this moment, but Hermione left the room and there was complete silence.

"You know you're not doing too well when you beat the crap out of your best mate," Harry said with a slight laugh, putting an end to the awkwardness.

"You're a mess," replied Ron, and judging by the pissed look on Harry's face, it was a mistake.

"It's your ruddy fault!" snapped Harry. He was a mess; his lip and nose were bleeding and his left eye was starting to swell.

"I'm sorry. I thought you were…well…you didn't see what I did…" Ron looked away. Harry considered the point.

"Forget it. I would have done the same thing if it was you and Ginny," Harry said, totally forgetting that Ginny was Ron's sister. Harry looked up and Ron was glaring at him.

"Are you insinuating that I'd get it on with my own sister?"

Harry smirked, "Are you insinuating that you get it on with Hermione?"

Ron turned red, "…No..."

Just as quickly as the argument had stared, it was over, and they walked downstairs.

They were walking towards the kitchen when they heard Hermione telling Mrs. Weasley, "Harry and Ron got in a little fist fight. They're making up now."

Molly gasped, "Is Ron hurt badly?"

"Hey!" said Ron, pretending to be insulted as he walked into the kitchen, closely followed by Harry. "I'll have you know that I was the one doing the beating!"

Mrs. Weasley looked appalled. "Ronald! How many times did you hit him?"

Ron was turning redish again. "A fair amount…" Ron walked up and hugged Hermione. "I'm sorry I doubted you."

"You're still a pig," whispered Hermione, smiling and kissing Ron on the cheek. Ron's thoughts came back to the scene before him. Mrs. Weasley was shouting.

"What were you possibly thinking? You could have seriously hurt Harry. If you ever pull something like this again…You don't even want to know what will happen, Ronald Weasley…I--"

While she was scolding Ron, Mrs. Weasley was fixing Harry up. A moment later, Harry looked infinitely better. The trio set off a while later. Mrs. Weasley was absolutely bawling and Ginny was crying quietly. As Harry walked away from the Weasleys' lovely home, he was accompanied by Ron and Hermione. It felt weird not to be returning to Hogwarts, but it also felt weird when Ginny ruffled his hair, but that didn't always make it a bad thing. As they left the Weasleys' driveway, they Apparated a few miles to shorten the walking distance, and then decided to walk for a bit.

"So," said Harry, trying to start a conversation, "Godric's Hollow…Any idea where it is?" The trio stopped moving. No one spoke for a while. Harry finally broke the silence. "So you mean we don't know where we're going?"

"Looks like it," replied Ron. So they kept moving.

"Why, may I ask, are we walking when all three of us can Apparate?" Harry asked.

They had only a second to think about this when Hermione said, "Well that's obvious, isn't it? If we Apparate everywhere, we'll get fat from lack of exercise. Haven't you seen Americans these days? They're either fat, or don't eat and are too skinny."

Ron whispered in Hermione's ear, "You're very sexy when you're smarter than me," and Hermione giggled.

Harry sensed a snog session and hit Ron on the back of the head to prevent it. If only he had Ginny. Then Harry could ignore Ron and Hermione and start a snog session of his own with Ginny. And suddenly, she was there. She was running down the road towards Harry. She finally reached him and Ginny leaned in and kissed Harry. It was an interesting moment for Harry. He wasn't sure whether he was happy she was there or not. But it was really Ginny!

"I had to come with you!" Ginny said breathlessly. Harry was still recovering from the fact that Ginny was with him, that all he could handle was a stupid look and a nod of his head.

Ron walked over and shouted, "Who do you think you are, coming over here, following us on a secret mission and snoging my best mate?" He turned to Harry, "And you! What are you doing? Trying to suffocate her?"

Ginny whipped around, not allowing Harry any time to answer Ron. "I do believe I am his girlfriend!" she snapped, glaring at Ron.

"Ha! No you're not! He broke up with you at Hogwarts a few months ago!" Ron had a point.

Ginny pondered this for a moment, thought of a comeback and shouted at Ron, "Alright! Fine then! I'm his friend with LOTS of benefits! At least we didn't start dating when we were dead drunk!"

Hermione looked pissed off. "Excuse me! But I was not drunk! Besides, my hair smelled too good to ruin it with the stench of beer," Hermione said, looking very triumphant.

Ron looked up and smiled, "I was drunk…" and he looked back down.

"Well, if all you two are going to do is shout, then we might as well keep moving while you argue!" Hermione turned on her toes and started moving on without the others. Ron, Harry and Ginny caught up with Hermione and continued on their way.

"Ginny, does your mum know you're here?" asked Harry

"No. She had her eyes closed while she gave birth…" retorted Ginny sarcastically.

Harry smiled, "I'm serious!"

Ginny tried to look innocent. "Well…not exactly. I popped out while she was blowing her nose."

Hermione turned to face her. "Hang on…how did you follow us? We Apparated a few miles. You can't Apparate yet."

Ginny rubbed her hand along her hip without even knowing it and then looked at Hermione to answer her question. "I grabbed on to Ron."

Ron went completely pale. "You grabbed on to me! I thought that was Hermione!"

Ginny shot a disgusted look over at Ron. "Do you do that to her, you git?"

Ron turned from pale to red so quickly that a boiling lobster would be jealous. "It was a first…" mumbled Ron as he started walking away. Apparently he was finished with this discussion. Harry glanced over at Ginny. She didn't notice it, but she was instinctively rubbing her hand up and down her hip as if to disinfect it.

The four of them walked for about ten minutes in silence. For some reason, he wanted to be away from the others for a while. It probably had something to do with the fact that he was going to visit the place of his parents' deaths, but who's to say?

Harry wandered off ahead of the others. They thankfully stayed behind. Before Harry could think of anything else, his foot caught on a small rock and he fell flat on his face. His forehead was searing in pain and it had nothing to do with his scar. Both his hands flew to his face and he was lying on the ground, groaning from the throbbing in his forehead.

Harry sensed the others running towards him. Through his watering eyes, he saw Ginny kneel down right beside him; Hermione and Ron were standing close with their wands drawn.

"Harry…" Ginny moaned as if she was so worried that she had no voice left.

"What's wrong Harry? Is he close?" asked Ron, trying to hide the worry in his voice.

The pain in his head was easing, so he gently massaged his forehead while sitting up. "Chill out, guys. I tripped and I hit my head. Voldemort won't be attacking us any time soon."

Ginny was crying, "You scared me so badly that I could have given birth right there!" Everyone stared at her. She stopped crying immediately. "Er…it's an expression?"

The others looked at each other and shrugged. The look clearly said, 'We know Harry's scar affects his brain, but what's her excuse?'

A/N: Well, that's it for now. I hope you liked it. I am working on chapter three as we speak. Please review.


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